After the Fun
August was the highlight of my year, but September was rough. I caught a gnarly cold towards the end of my travels which would NOT go away. I was so eager to jump right back into normal life - going to the gym 3/4 days a week, dancing ~3/nights per week - as soon as I got back to the US. This totally did not happen. I would be so fatigued after a workout and was reminded by my body that I needed to rest… for about three weeks. Ugh. Every time I’d feel a bit better, I would go back to the gym and then pay for it for the next few days. Finally, I decided to just rest. And of course, that is when I finally got better. Weird, huh?
Dancing and working out are the two things I love the most and the endorphins I feel when I do both. Both the dance community and my gym community provide a social outlet that makes me feel really good. Without any of this for a few weeks, I did not feel well. Sad, worrying about what is next, what direction am I headed in. I know that I want to make a career change but I just felt down and a little hopeless. Like all of the excitement of planning a big international adventure next year was gone and I found my inner critic asking - “You are really considering leaving your life in CA to live abroad by yourself? You are really considering quitting your job of 8 years that is more or less a great job (even though I am no longer passionate or excited for my days) to bleed through savings… without having an idea what you want to do when you get back? Who are you to take this risk, not knowing what is next? You are in your early 40’s… this is something to do in your 20’s or 30’s… not when you are 40+ and shouldn’t you focus instead on meeting a partner to do this life with so you don’t die alone?” It got really dark. Fear, fear, fear. Not to mention, trying to figure out the best visa to stay beyond 90 days since do I really want to give up my life/job here for only 90 days?????
I can’t say that I have fully found my sense of adventure again and am full-speed ahead. I still don’t know my timeline other than after Q1 of next year. But, the one thing I know for sure is this: I will have massive regrets if in 10 years I look back and stayed in my current job, doing the same thing even though I am bored because I was afraid of taking a risk. I know I will be able to find another job when I get back. I have a soft landing place in Ohio with Mom when I get home if I want to apply to jobs from there before having to pay rent again in CA. I KNOW that I will be ok. And what’s the worst thing that can happen? I explore Europe for a month or two, get homesick and come home? It would still be epic to take a few months off between jobs and do what I love - travel and take tons of dance lessons in Spain with the best of the best. And the best thing that can happen? It is really limitless! I could meet lifelong new friends and maybe the man of my dreams. Perhaps I get clarity on what I want the next chapter of my life to look like, maybe I am inspired to finally start my own business which is a life goal I have. Perhaps I have phenomenal adventures that serendipitously land me in a place where I feel content and happy with all aspects my life. There is NO downside. The logistics of making it happen - subleasing my place, etc - can all be worked out and I can’t let these details discourage me. Why not????